Have you ever had everything planned out to a “T” & then had it all go to shit? I certainly have. Honestly, more times than I can count. Whether you’ve been in a similar situation or not, the real question is do you react or respond?
React or Respond
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of react is to exert a reciprocal or counteracting force or influence —often used with on or upon. On the flip side, the definition of respond is to say something in return : make an answer. Yes, they are considered synonymous, but they are not the same. Reactions happen in an instant, out of instinct or training. Responses take time to calculate, even if it’s just a few seconds.
Pre-PATHH my reactions used to be fierce, strong, & typically over the top in regards to the situation. Years later I even discovered that my dear mama was afraid of me. She was afraid to set me off & so she walked on eggshells. To say I was ashamed & embarrassed when she finally told me is an understatement. I was utterly devastated. For years I had walked on eggshells, but I never realized others in my life felt that way about me. I was truly a monster in her eyes, in their eyes.
My choice
Now, when a plan fails, I step back from it. I take a deep breath or do a 4, 7, 8 breathing exercise. Reactions hurt, not just the people we direct them at, but they hurt us too. They shut down opportunities to connect with others & breed isolation. No one wants to be with a monster. I didn’t, yet I never saw my own transformation into one.
Responses, while they may still be strong, are thought out, tend to be kind, & are more likely to be heard. Constructive criticism is sought after for growth. Who doesn’t want to be around others asking for, or providing, advice/suggestions on how to become better? I know I ask for feedback at my job, this writing hobby, my random creative projects, etc. I welcome it.
Today
To be fair, this was not the post I was planning to write today, but last week my plans changed & rather than reacting to the clearly defined pickle I had put myself in, I took a deep breath & carefully chose my response. I made a phone call, adjusted my schedule for this week, & executed a brand new plan. You know what? Everything worked out in the end, even if my new plan didn’t go as expected either. Roll with the punches they say. I’m happy to report, I can do that now!
I am also happy to report that I am healthy enough, mentally & physically to help others. I am no longer scary. There are no eggshells to navigate. I can, & I do, provide a safe haven for my family, both blood & chosen, my sisters & my brothers.
And now it’s time for my regularly scheduled end of post question…
What about you? Do you react or respond? Are you a monster in someone’s eyes or are you kind & a safe haven?
Who is Erika E?
Erika is a 6-year Army vet turned IT geek who drinks copious amounts of coffee & isn’t afraid of struggle. When she’s not working, she loves writing, reading, & NOT arithmetic (but can calculate as needed). Oh, & as you’ll see from her posts, she doesn’t shy away from tough topics.
Got a story you want to share? Email her at erika@mentalgrenade.com
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Shawn Buckwalter
May 19, 2022 09:07I often find myself in the reaction category. As much as I want to respond appropriately the reaction comes out first. Like you stated, it’s often negative. I feel that sometimes I am viewed as a monster and that people need to walk on eggshells. I’d love to know how you worked through your stuff and how you got to where you are now.
Erika E
May 19, 2022 10:18First & foremost, it took time. It took time to realize I was falling apart & couldn’t keep going. At the same time, I had to be ready & willing to actually admit that I needed help & that I wasn’t OK. In October 2019 I attended a program for combat vets & first responders called Warrior PATHH (Progressive Alternative Training for Helping Heroes). That program helped me unpack my rucksack of all the trauma & weight I had been carrying around for years. I learned wellness practices & was gifted access to a community of like-minded individuals. Warrior PATHH saved my life. If you haven’t already, please check out my posts “My Mask” & “What was I thinking?” when you have time. Thank you for reading.