This post was given as a presentation at an event for veterans and their families. I know it’s long but I hope you’ll find it worth the investment. At the request of some attending the event, I will provide it as a single post.

So, there I was, with my family at Longwood gardens, in a peaceful and well cultivated landscape. We let the children run through the kid’s garden area and I sat down on a bench for a minute. In that serene place with the sound of a babbling brook and the laughter of children I started to freak out. I was shaking and I started to cry; everything began to surface simultaneously. What I had repressed for years had reached the pressure value of the blow off valve and I couldn’t stop it. When things slowed down and I had to face reality, the peace around me allowed the violence within to be visible.

Progress is not linear despite our best efforts. I thought I was in a better place. I spent some time at Wounded Warrior Bn and considered myself somewhat well adjusted. That was before I lost it at Longwood. We desire no setbacks but there are always some, even in Disney movies. Overcoming doesn’t end after cresting the peak, nor does it end happily ever after. In experience, we find the next challenge to be greater than the last. (Believe it or not, God is preparing you for your purpose)

Acceptance of anticipated outcomes does not mean acceptance of secondary or resulting outcomes.

1. I join the military, anticipate going to war, and accept that I may be injured or killed.
2. I do not anticipate still being alive while my friends are dead, the dysregulation of my mood, severe anxiety, sleep issues and nightmares, the disintegration of my close personal relationships, or the depression that follows
3.  I cannot/will not accept that there could a God that would let these things happen, that my life is reduced to a statistic, I’m labeled as disabled/broken
4. I cannot accept that my identity and purpose have been stripped away

This is not veteran specific.

1. My spouse accepts that they have married a member of the armed forces who may be injured or killed. They accept that we will move a lot and anticipate long periods of separation.
2. The spouse does not anticipate loss of identity (now that it is listed as “dependent” on their ID), they may or may not have addressed putting career aside, further loss of personal identity if they later become a mother/stay at home parent
3. They do not anticipate that the service member will return home with invisible injuries that subsequently destroy the peace and routine they and the kids have developed while he/she was gone.

If through military service, parenthood, injury, and discharge from service you have lost your identity and purpose, you’re normal.

Identity

To progress in this life, we need to know who we are and what we were meant to do.

I thought it was EOD- Explosive Ordnance Disposal. It was what I did in the Marines so that was also what I said I was. My identity and purpose was that of an EOD Marine.

My community shared the same type of experiences and exhibited the same symptomology.

EOD as an acronym also stands for: Everyone’s deployed, everyone’s drunk, and finally everyone’s divorced…

We think we’re ok because our inappropriate behavior is normal in the community, but deep down, we know something is wrong. Finally, in the relative safety of our home, we let our guard down, the truth of the trauma reveals itself. The littlest frustration sets us off, we can’t let things go, and we fight about EVERYTHING.

I found myself angry ALL THE TIME and began to take risks, drink heavily, and act out to replace the stupidity of everyday life with the adventure and simplicity deployment provided. My mind was more with the guys that were downrange than with my family at home. Life was often interrupted by disturbing memories, anxiety attacks, and my family took a backseat. I was unaware of the damage I was doing, or at times when I was aware, I felt powerless to stop the anger.

Meanwhile, unsympathetic command structures looked for “able” bodies to fill deployment rosters and the weight of the duty I swore allegiance to, drove me on, in spite of my mental/emotional/physical injuries and damaged home life.

About a year after my medical retirement, my wife signed the family up for a program and later told me about it. I had no idea what to expect. I resisted the people and the process. It wasn’t till the following year that my healing journey became my focus. Some men spoke into my life and inspired me to speak into the lives of others. Since then, I’ve been trying to steadily improve.

It hasn’t all been improvement. In the process of helping others and getting involved, I suffered setbacks, burnout, and significant conflict with well-intentioned civilians trying to help combat veterans. But I learned something each time, with each organization. Eventually, God began to braid it together as His purpose for me… I just couldn’t see it at the time.

What did it take for you to start getting help?
For me, it was a harsh reality check, an ultimatum. HAVE you started getting help?

Identity and purpose should be separate.

Do you know who you are?

“What the hell do you really know about yourself? You’re complicated, man.”

Jordan Peterson

What forms your identity now?

1. Are you still clinging to your service, living the now as who you were?
2. Is your trauma your identity?
   Do you talk to people about it, seeking platitudes, agreement? Is your interaction only with those who affirm your opinion? WHO IS CHALLENGING YOU?
   
   If your therapist always agrees with you, you don’t need one or it’s time to get a new therapist.

When both service member and spouse have a lost or ill-defined identity, the government is paying their bills, and getting better would reduce benefits, where is the motivation for growth? THERE IS NONE.

“There’s one misperception of our veterans and that is that they are somehow damaged goods. I don’t buy it. While victimhood in America is exalted, I don’t think Veterans should join those ranks.”

General James Mattis

We need to be striving for Post Traumatic GROWTH. Take your struggles and turn them into strengths.

Have you taken the time to decide who you want to be? How do you get there? We’ve got to deal with ourselves and our past so we can DECIDE who we are now and then make the plan to get where we want to be.

Don’t be the one standing in your way.

Self-Discovery:

What happened to you?   •How did you feel about it?    •Do you know WHY you felt that way?   
•Has your perspective shifted concerning the event?   •How did you respond to what happened?
•How long (if ever) before you started to deal with your trauma?

These things don’t mend with time. I hear too many say, “I don’t want to rip off the scab.” It seems to me, many are afraid of the demons they’ll let out. If you think demons are coming out that means they’re still in you and the issue isn’t dealt with. You probably sewed shut a festering wound and it needs to be cleaned before your blood becomes toxic.

You can’t ignore or forget what happened. You have to deal with it, file it correctly, and apply the lessons learned.

I’m doing just fine; I’ve put all that behind me.
Have you? Ignoring it and locking the compartment is not dealing with the issues. Wouldn’t you rather control what happens when these memories surface instead of letting them hijack you?

Just because you look normal or “ok” doesn’t mean you are or need to pretend to be.

Our family looked great on the outside but everything was wrong and I wouldn’t or couldn’t make it better. Nothing anyone else did was right and they needed to know it. There was comfort in the familiarity of anger. This place of survival had replaced my ability to thrive and so I poured more alcohol on the flame and enjoyed the burn.

Why do you think vets keep telling each other, you just gotta find something to stay busy with?

Stay busy or you’ll have to deal with the reality of your situation.
The fact that you’re still on the run from yourself is introducing a ton of stress to your family… Don’t they deserve a better you?

Everything I believed was shaken. It took years for me to sort it out, ask the right questions, and finally find answers that lead me to a better life through real faith.

Just because you’re getting better doesn’t mean you’re cured, won’t have bad days or at times – regress.

The passage of time is no guarantee of gains in progress, intelligence, or wisdom.

The straight arrow is a fantasy; it’s the idea that there is a natural progress that is consistent through life.

The squiggly line, super-imposed over the straight one, represents a more realistic progression through life, unhindered by serious trauma, or that the trauma experienced is appropriately processed through therapy so consistent growth can take place. Setbacks exist, but overall, growth is consistent.

The red line at the bottom represents many of us. Trauma has held us down in life. Growth is difficult while we hold it inside and deny help. Someone may step in, a program will provide a coping technique, or a positive experience will provide hope… but it’s only a temporary reprieve from the truth and we crash, sometimes to the point of suicide. (Note that progress literally drops off the chart.) You might find something or someone and life seems to soar. You stop taking your meds and suddenly crash.

Too many programs help you deal with symptoms so you can just get by. The HARD work of resolving trauma with a professional counselor is the path to true healing. It takes time but it’s an investment that benefits more than just you.

Setbacks:

1. Suicide of teammate/friend
2. Anniversaries of tragic events – don’t make these an excuse for attention or bad behavior. Remap that day.
   Refer to: “Dave’s Day”
3. Resurfacing memories believed to be resolved
4. Lost ground (Iraq/Afg) or current events

Every winter I deal with seasonal affective disorder; It feels like a setback, a huge slump I fall into. This past year I set a goal for myself, a way to push beyond how I felt for the day. It was great, I was out exercising, I could think clearly, and my mood was greatly improved, until it wasn’t. I didn’t have the next step planned, so when I finished my goal I was left without direction. I fell back into depression, gained weight, and struggled even more than I normally would.

We have spurts of progress, days, weeks, or months of hope, only to crash into depression, isolation, and return to self-destructive habits. It’s critical that you not isolate. Your community can support you and circumvent the negatives before they take hold in your life.
Your recovery is woven into the fabric of the family. If you progress together, you’ll stay tight, but resistance by individuals and/or movement in different directions will tear you apart.

Self-awareness:

Do you know why you’re alive? Are you seeking the answer?

See, I didn’t at first. Like many, I wondered why I came back while others didn’t or why I had all my limbs. I questioned why that bullet hit the tree between me and my team mate, why I stepped just to the right of that pressure plate, or why that IED was fused in the direction that it was. I wasn’t connecting the events together- in my mind they were separate incidents. But-
Prov 16:9  “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.”

“There is a higher purpose but rarely will our finite minds catch a glimpse of the interconnected web of God’s plan as it unfolds across eternity, much less understand the inextricable intersection of it with man’s free choice.”

Mental Grenade

Some of you guys have been struggling for YEARS. I want you to make a chart in your mind. Now plot the progress you’ve made over those years. Yes, you’ll have to adjust and average for catastrophic incidents that happened but keep the drama off the chart and be real with yourself. In a separate color on your mind chart, plot the amount of effort you’ve put into your recovery. Stare at it. Are you happy?

Nature, Nurture, and Choice

Nature– born with unique personalities but we’re all sinful/selfish

Nurture– someone raised us or those around us influenced our behaviors

I was BORN this way AND they RAISED me this way – I can’t help but do the things I do.

You’re not off the hook – don’t forget you still have…

Choice– you still get to choose, you are NOT a victim of your circumstances, you are an overcomer.

                You can’t choose nature or how you were nurtured but you can choose your perspective on it,
                learn and grow from it. You can choose Right from Wrong.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Viktor Frankl holocaust survivor

Shift your perspective:

We can’t change what’s happened to us; we can’t take back what we’ve done either.
We can change our understanding and perspective of the events.

Purpose

You have to know who you are before you can define your purpose.

I wanted to find myself, so I went searching. I got lost. Maybe that’s the TBI or because I’m male; I don’t know. Then Christ found me. The real answer to who you are is in Him. I found myself in Christ. Then and ONLY THEN did I know who I was MADE to be.

It’s about finding passion in service to Christ. He has created you (nature) to be gifted in certain areas for use in kingdom work. He has placed people in your path that have influenced you along the way (nurture). And now, He’s asking you what you’re going to do with it? (choice) It’s right there.

In John chapter 5 we find Jesus going to Jerusalem for a feast. At the gate of the city, he finds a man…
“On these walkways lay a great number of the sick, the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed. One man there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. (Some Vietnam vets are still mentally at war, they are paralyzed just like this dude.) When Jesus saw him lying there and realized that he had spent a long time in this condition, He asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

So I ask YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?

OWN YOUR LIFE. Taking breath is no indication of LIVING your life. Having it and Living it are SO different.

Attending programs is great, but it’s no guarantee of growth. Do you have a desire to learn about and deal with yourself?

Every time I go to a program, I walk away with a new area beat up, some death trimmed away so that my life can THRIVE that much more. Yeah, it takes a lot of effort and is emotionally draining but so is watching the news, so is fighting a war. You’re past fighting the physical, it’s time to concentrate on the war for your soul. Even in the combat zone, spiritual warfare was happening simultaneously; now, in the relative peace and safety of your home you begin to feel the effects of the spiritual more acutely.

Let’s not spiritualize the fact that the emotional consequences of compartmentalization must be dealt with in the physical realm but never forget the spiritual forces that are fighting against you. They don’t want you to deal with your issues. Satan wants you to stay defeated, holding the trauma inside you.

BUT, There ARE spiritual forces fighting FOR you, too. God desires you to release your cares and pain to him.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

That verse right there has been keeping me sane through this whole Afghanistan thing. If it wasn’t for the peace I have in Christ, I would’ve lost my mind by now.

Matthew 11:28  Jesus says “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

GROWTH

Moving outside the box- it’s going to be uncomfortable
Movement to contact- we’re going to seek the issue and meet it head on
Movement to growth… It’s not going to come to you if you sit and wait.

1. Desire – you gotta want it
2. Humble yourself – if you think you already know it all then how can you learn and grow?
3. Learn – seek wisdom from knowledgeable people
4. Grow – apply knowledge and wisdom to your life, turn your struggles to strength
5. Train – in what you want to do, train for your purpose
6. Do – Go do it. The world is waiting for you.

The depth of knowledge, breadth of experience, and the capacity for real empathy would not be available to me without having experienced life altering, self-questioning, painfully engulfing trials.

Mental Grenade

This journey has had a lot of ups and downs. I thought I knew where I was going, only to be jerked in a new direction. Stay flexible, and never stop learning about yourself, seeking your purpose, and loving others.

Humans are quite capable of growth in wisdom and maturity under average and uneventful circumstances. Those of us exposed to the “trauma” of war have an accelerated path and an increased capacity for success if we are willing to do the work.

We have a choice:
1. Let what’s happened define us OR
2. USE what’s happened to enhance us.

OVER.

I think it’s fitting to close with the Cadet Prayer from West Point:

O God, our Father, Thou Searcher of human hearts, help us to draw near to Thee in sincerity and truth. May our religion be filled with gladness and may our worship of Thee be natural. Strengthen and increase our admiration for honest dealing and clean thinking, and suffer not our hatred of hypocrisy and pretense ever to diminish. Encourage us in our endeavor to live above the common level of life. Make us to choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong and never to be content with a half-truth when the whole can be won. Endow us with courage that is born of loyalty to all that is noble and worthy, that scorns to compromise with vice and injustice and knows no fear when truth and right are in jeopardy. Guard us against flippancy and irreverence in the sacred things of life. Grant us new ties of friendship and new opportunities of service. Kindle our hearts in fellowship with those of a cheerful countenance, and soften our hearts with sympathy for those who sorrow and suffer. Help us to maintain the honor of the Armed Forces untarnished and unsullied and to show forth in our lives the ideals in doing our duty to Thee and to our Country. All of which we ask in the name of the Great Friend and Master of All. Amen.

DREW OUT!