One the reasons I started Mental Grenade was to discuss the divide between the military and civilian communities. A communication gap exists that causes silence and/or misunderstandings.

When someone finds out you’re a veteran, often their first response will be, “Thank you for your service.” This can be nothing or everything. Some vets will feel like they never really served and simply brush it off, some actually didn’t do much of anything and LIVE for recognition, and some don’t know how to react; the sudden reminder of service can bring back a flood of memories they were unprepared for.

What response to, “Thank you for your service” is most appropriate?
It’s complicated. Who’s asking the question of whom? Where are they? What rapport do they share? Do you know anything about what they’ve been through? There’s a myriad of replacement phrases that people have thought of but none that caught on.

What are you supposed to say? Many Americans feel grateful to the military and want to express their appreciation. They see, “Thank you for your service” on signs, banners, and hear others say it. I’m not going to make suggestions- if you have some, leave them in the comment section.

“How can I thank you for your service?”

This is something most don’t want to ask. If you ask this question, it implies that you’re willing to do something. It’s much easier to say thanks and go about the day. How grateful are we?

I feel the most gratitude for my service when people take the time to learn or understand what I went through. This process can be difficult at times because they’re not sure what to ask, we’re not sure how much to say, and some things will rub either of us the wrong way.

Grace and patience must be at the forefront of these conversations. We need to know how to politely decline a question. Veterans will never help civilians understand by ripping their head off for asking a question. Sure, some questions just shouldn’t be asked. “Did you kill anybody?”

To Say or Not to Say

A few years ago I was helping a nonprofit do some fundraising. We went to lunch with a potential donor and during the meal he asked me, “So what was the worst thing you ever went through?” He might as well have asked me about my sex life. It’s better to build trust with someone before being vulnerable.

If you’re speaking for an event or using a personal story as a teaching example, you can be sure there will be follow up questions or discussions. You’ll want to be comfortable talking about it. Much growth can happen in the veteran and civilian if they are able to talk calmly.

When asking vets that I’ve worked with what they’d like to tell civilians, the common response was, “Don’t handle me with kid gloves, I’m not broken.” The media has been painting this picture of veterans as victims, and anyone with PTSD as a possible danger. The fact is, most people with PTS just want to be left alone. They’re not seeking conflict and are not a ticking time bomb. They’re more like a dying star waiting to implode. When they do, it will greatly affect the ones around them.

Don’t Wait

Now is the time to start talking.
“But they’ll never understand!”
While it’s true that those who were not present in service and war will never fully understand. If we talk about it, they can understand a great many things (if we help them) and interactions will get better.

-Drew OUT!