Shame is an emotion that involves negative self-evaluation—believing that something is wrong with you as a person. You may believe that you haven’t lived up to certain standards and feel unworthy or inadequate as a result. –Psychology Today

There’s no lack of “shaming” today. You can easily be accused of some type if someone is looking for any possible link in your speech patterns. Here’s an article from 2017 that talks about 15 different kinds of shaming. It’s an odd concept, that’s I’m shaming you. If shame is something YOU feel as a result of a self evaluation, how can I make you feel it?

Stop reading this and take a moment to think about who you are. How do you describe yourself to others? When someone introduces you, what do you hope they will say? These thoughts are what make up your desired identity. What you wish they might say about you likely differs from who you actually are or feel like you are.

We can be something and not feel like it. We can exhibit all the characteristics of an identity and deny it out right. We likely feel shame because we aren’t living up to what we want to be. You had hopes for your life as a kid, dreams of what you would become and things you would accomplish. Perhaps you are reading this now and feel the sting of negative self-evaluation because you gave up on your dreams and live a life of compromise.

We change, as do our circumstances and beliefs. I don’t feel shame because I didn’t grow up to be a paleontologist like Alan Grant from Jurassic Park. My world view expanded, different opportunities presented themselves, and I went a completely different path. We need to stop asking, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” What you do is not who you are. Your past shouldn’t define you either. We should instead ask children, “What is something you would like to do when you’re old enough?” It’s never too late to reinvent yourself.

Now is the time to CHANGE. We are always changing. Much of it is passive; imagine what you could do if you were extremely active about it. Go on- imagine your best self. It could be better than that. You are the solution but you’re also the problem.

Americans are suffering from extreme conditioning. We think we know who we are and what we want. Believing we are well informed on the issues, we speak with righteous authority about them. Many of the desires and beliefs we cling to have been thrust upon us by someone or something else. We subject ourselves to extremely high volumes of marketing and believe that it doesn’t affect us. We are wrong.

As much as society claims to fight the shame, they introduce extreme forms of it into their life. Commercials and internet ads are constantly playing with your emotions. Algorithms are written to discover your weaknesses and sell to them. You would be so much better at _________ if you had ___________. People would like you more if you wore ________. You will be one of the good people if you champion _________ cause.

It’s easy to find yourself in a protected class these days and to use it. When I first read Junger’s book Tribe and then an article he wrote about people over valorizing veterans, I was pissed. It was a few years after I returned from active combat in Afghanistan; I believed I was in an elite percentage of Americans who had “seen the dragon” and that somehow made me special. Like, I deserved something.

I now realize I owe something. I owe it to you to share my perspective. I am required to speak up and out against the nonsense that is destabilizing this country. If you feel shame because of something I say, start by asking if it was directed at you: specifically, generally, or you just took offense because you have been programmed to do so. I’m not actively trying to be offensive (but I have been called that several times in my life).

I speak out and I say what I believe needs to be said. As I get older I’m trying to stop saying the extra things I want to say and just stick to what is needed. I’m being shaped, the rough edges being ground down so that I speak the truth in love rather than stabbing you in the chest with it. It’s a harder road to walk, but it proves to be more effective.

You’re far more popular if you take the hard stance and weaponize your words against an already established enemy. If you use targeted shame to destroy your “enemy,” it’s the sick burn that will go viral. Shall we live for the infamous 15 minutes? This type of communication is also promoted by social media algorithms.

Live and let live doesn’t work. Like it or not we live in tribes & societies. They have established normal behavior. These norms are generally agreed upon and lived out by the vast majority. It’s what keeps things peaceful. But when you violate those agreed upon principles, the majority believes you should be ashamed of yourself. But what if you’re not? What if you believe that things should be different?

If you’re homosexual in a Muslim country they will likely kill you. They hold strong beliefs, collectively, and act swiftly to homogenize their population. They feel so strongly they feel ashamed for you. There is no coexisting.
Torch that sticker. You may be offended by this and I’m ok with that: If you think that everyone can coexist and that love will bring an end to violence, you are naïve. Many of the people I find with those coexist stickers are quite intolerant of persons who hold fast to the beliefs espoused in the religions displayed so artistically in the sticker/tattoo/image.

If you believe in a religion you will act it out. What we REALLY believe dictates our actions regardless of what we say. If I believe that something is wrong and I say it is wrong, that is not a judgement of a person but rather a judgement of their action. If you believe in rehabilitation and second chances then you should get this- I don’t dislike you because you made a bad choice, I just dislike the bad choice and I want to help you get better.

Guilt

“the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty”
“the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously”
“feelings of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy“

We often confuse guilt and shame. You feel guilty and say that someone “shamed” you. It’s weak. You’re embarrassed by your choices, behavior, lifestyle and blame someone else for making you feel guilty about it.

OWN your choices. OWN your lifestyle. If that’s REALLY how you want to live, do so boldly and passionately but don’t be shocked when there is push back. And, maybe there should be pushback. Perhaps your lifestyle is against the accepted conduct of the society you’re living in and they would like you to continue participating in the agreed upon social contract of acceptable behavior. If you feel righteous in your choices, you should seek out a society that espouses the lifestyle you have chosen and join them. Being different doesn’t mean that everyone should change to accept you and your abnormal behavior.

There is a significant difference between “Play nice” and “Play fair.”
There is a difference between nice and fair.
Trying to be nice can turn out to be mean when your weak attempt to not hurt someone’s feelings backfires and they feel humiliated. Being fair is fair regardless of nice or mean. What is fair? Life sure isn’t.

A lot of America’s problems currently stem from the consistent changing of word definitions. When we all use the same word but use it differently, we are doomed to disagree because we aren’t striving together on common ground. If you choose to enter into a discussion with someone, start first with agreed upon goals for the discussion and agreed upon definitions of specific terms that will be commonly used during the verbal exchange.

I disagree with the current trend of ___________ shaming.
If I say something that makes you feel guilty about your life choices, you may feel shame because of your own self-evaluation but I cannot put shame on you. You shame yourself. For the purpose of this blog post: “Shame is an emotion that involves negative self-evaluation—believing that something is wrong with you as a person.”

We are dooming ourselves as a society if we say it’s hateful to disagree.

I can be intolerant. It’s not intolerant if someone points that out. It’s loving if someone intends to help me be a better person. What is your intention when you say something? The internet has made us very flippant with words and extremely disrespectful. Unless we make an intentional return to civility, we are in danger of disbanding the agreed upon rules of society and living in anarchy. That would be a “shame.”

It’s a shame this isn’t better written and organized but maybe you found something in it that helped or challenged you.

-Drew Out.

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Drew founded Mental Grenade Jan 2020. He is a follower of Jesus Christ, a medically retired Marine, EOD Tech, husband, father, writer, mountain biker, photographer, facilitator, and fly-fisherman. He seeks to bridge the civilian – military divide and bring hope through honest communication about difficult issues.

These Veteran stories of struggle, adventure, and post traumatic growth need to be heard!
Join the cause to de-stigmatize mental health issues.
Please SUBSCRIBE, share our website with friends / co-workers, and support us by donation or at the STORE.