Erika E

This morning as I was making my coffee, I realized just how isolated I’ve become. I’m actually quite the hermit these days. I barely get dressed in “real” clothes because I have no reason. I don’t see anyone on a daily basis because I don’t go out. Why should I bother? I can get my groceries delivered to my doorstep for a small fee. There are so many options available to us now that enable, hell encourage us, to remain isolated. Is it healthy? I’m leaning towards no, but I’m not a professional. Good thing I have a great therapist who actually listens to me. Guess I should bring this up at my next appointment, huh? Moving on…

When I was deployed, I was isolated from home, but not people. I had a great roommate who worked opposite shifts from me for part of the time. I had soldiers working for me & I was constantly briefing products, having face-to-face meetings, eating chow in groups, you know the drill. It was actually kind of tough to get alone time, but not impossible.

Whenever I got the chance, I used to run off to the archery range. There were a couple Navy Seals who volunteered their time to run it. They said they did it because they loved teaching people how to shoot, but personally I think it was because they needed a way to blow off steam after missions. Don’t quote me on that one though, I was Army after all & just happy for a place to “hide out.”

While deployed I sought isolation.

This time it’s different. When you get orders, you know, to a degree, what to expect (ok, you hope you know what to expect). This pandemic has thrown me for a loop. I’ve been working from home for TWO years now. At first, it was to take care of my mama & shortly after that, the whole world shut down. I never thought I’d still be sitting at home today, isolated from the outside.

In March of 2020, my office was temporarily closed to all but Essential personnel. If we could work from home, that’s what we did. In December 2021, management announced that all Essential+ (that’s me!) in addition to the Essential personnel could return to the office. A month later, we went back to Essential only again. Productivity-wise, it works quite well. My internet is faster (Google Fiber, baby!), I have less distractions from co-workers passing by my office & stopping to chat, etc., but I am 100% alone, day in and day out. Yes, we have plenty of meetings & sometimes we even turn our cameras on, but it’s not the same.

Now I seek human interaction.

I’ve been considering returning to the office just to force myself to get out of the house, but even if I went back, it’s different now, it’s mostly empty.

Today I acknowledged to myself that I relied heavily on the daily interactions with my co-workers because I don’t have many local friends here. Talk about a hard pill to swallow. Hell, I even question my ability to make friends. Where do I start? How do I start? I’m quite social & enjoy talking to pretty much anyone, but I don’t hang out at bars, or coffee shops, or anywhere, for that matter. News flash, I never did, it’s just not my thing.

Making friends requires going out & engaging with people. Have I forgotten how? Perhaps I have, at least partially. You know what else in playing into this? It’s uncomfortable, I’m uncomfortable. Thinking of going out makes me anxious these days. I am comfortable with being alone, with being isolated. No catering to anyone else’s wants, wishes, demands, you name it. I can do what I want, when I want, as long as it’s outside of work hours because I do still need to pay the bills. Am I right?

I honestly feel like I’m teetering between unhealthy isolation & just being comfortable with peaceful solitude. My balance is shaky & so starting today I am going to force myself to get out of the house more. Will I be awkward? Probably, but in reality, other people’s opinions of me is none of my damn business, so off I go. Awkwardness & all…

What about you? Do you feel isolated? If so, how are you doing? How are you REALLY doing? I genuinely want to know. Reach out. You are not alone.

Who is Erika E?

Erika is a 6-year Army vet turned IT geek who drinks copious amounts of coffee & isn’t afraid of struggle. When she’s not working, she loves writing, reading, & NOT arithmetic (but can calculate as needed). Oh, & as you’ll see from her posts, she doesn’t shy away from tough topics.

Got a story you want to share? Email her at erika@mentalgrenade.com

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