I find it ironic that in Tolkien’s work, Bilbo Baggins arrived at Rivendell on May 1^st, on his return journey from helping the dwarves reclaim their home.  That happens to be my birthday.  Why do I bring this up?  Mainly because as a Tolkien fan, having read The Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings trilogy as a child growing up, I stole one of the lesser known titles of The Hobbit as my post headliner, “There and Back Again, a Hobbit’s Journey”.  It may be more amusing and clever in my head, but I’m amused. 

There are also a few correlations to my own journey through life. Much like Bilbo, I was an unwilling participant in this adventure for much of the journey, only recently coming to grips with reality and beginning to embrace it and my role in it.   Also, like the Hobbit, I have recently found a group of individuals with one goal in mind that has helped me on my quest.  I may not always agree with them, and they with me, but at the end of the day we all work together for one common goal: To edify and build each other in spirit and in body, using the Truth of the Gospel to guide us. 

This group convinced me to try therapy again, fourteen years after my first attempt.  I was honest with myself at least… I admitted that I was going back to therapy with a high level of suspicion, and looking for an excuse to run at the first issue. I also admitted that to the therapist. 

I thought maybe we would connect and I could work with this one, at first.  As time went on, it seemed less and less that he was listening to me, and more like he was just following the same path of therapy he had used with others.  Telling me that I would need to learn to be comfortable sitting with my back to a door.  That I would need to go out and not carry.  That the grocery store wasn’t a deadly threat (That last one really set me off, because I told him multiple times that it wasn’t that I felt threatened physically while shopping for groceries, I just found everyone around me irritating and wanted to NOT interact with them at any point).

I finally told him I was done with him, and cancelled my therapy sessions.  I haven’t gone back to therapy yet.  I was challenged by Drew to put my experience into print, both to try and tell my story to others, as well as try and figure out what I need to do to get help. 

The more I’ve thought about it recently, the more I recognize I still need some serious help.  It’s exhausting though, having to start the process over and over again, explaining myself to someone.  Explaining what happened, and why my symptoms are not the normal symptoms (To which I’ve written a blog post on that, which I shared on my Linkedin page and my personal Facebook page). Trying to learn to trust again is also difficult.  There is one therapist that I would be willing to go back to.  One that I was not ready for at the time I saw them.  They are the one that my pastor recommended a few years back. 

My plan is to reach back out this year and see if I can get seen by them.  If I already feel a level of trust with this individual, then I would be doing myself a disservice in NOT reaching out for help.  It’s a funny thing though, how we as humans feel perfectly comfortable spilling our guts to total strangers sometimes, and other times, when there’s a level of reciprocity, we tend to hold back.  It’s time that I finally stop holding back. 

“You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit?” (The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien)

This is my way of trying to not only find myself again, but help others understand how I got where I am now.  If this helps anyone else figure out where they are, or how to start their own journey, then even better. 

Check out the whole journey:

Part: 1 * 2 * 3 * 4 * 5 * 6 * 7 * 8