Erika E

Ten years. I honestly can’t believe it has been that long. It still feels like only yesterday that I answered that call. It’s quite interesting what you remember when your life changes in an instant. From the details that are seared into your memory to the ones that fade away to nothing & everything in between. Today I felt compelled to remember & write for Erik.

I remember laughing about something as I ran back to my desk to answer the phone. I don’t remember if it was mama on the other end of the line or dad. It didn’t matter either way, they both had the same thing to say. Erik was gone. He was 28 & he was gone forever. Gone.

I remember dropping to my knees as the room went black. I remember crying out in anguish & I remember the tears. So many tears. They wouldn’t stop. I vaguely remember “L” picking me up & helping me into my chair. I don’t remember how long I cried; I just know I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest like the guy in Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom.

Do I remember who else was working that day? No, I only remember L & her hugs, her seemingly endless hugs. I don’t think I can, nor will I ever forget her compassion that day. I remember her not letting me leave until I stopped crying so I could safely drive home. I remember her walking me to my car & asking me a million times to call her the moment I got home. I hope I kept my promise to call, but I honestly don’t remember.

I pulled into the driveway & had to park on the other side because there was a police car in my spot. Seeing the ambulance parked outside was a stark reminder that the news was real, but it still hadn’t “sunk in” yet. I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotions that would knock me on my ass as I walked in the door.

My son was thrilled to see mama home from work so early. Nanny (my mama) was desperately trying to keep a smile on her face as she played with him, but I could see the pain in her eyes, she was there physically, but not emotionally. My son was only three months away from turning four & instead of watching Winnie the Pooh movies with his uncle he was being thrust into the exclusive club that no one wants to join, but most of us will belong to at some point or another.

The Grief Club, the Death Club, whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t matter. It sucks & yet it’s inevitable because NO ONE is immortal. We will all lose someone we love, it’s not a matter of “if”, it’s simply a matter of “when.” My son was almost four, my daughters were nine & seven, I was 34, my mom was 64, & my dad was 69. My folks & I were already “card carrying” members, but not my children. This was their “initiation”, if you will, of many losses to come.

Death is a taboo topic. I find this odd since we all will die at some point. I would rather be ready, be prepared. That doesn’t mean living in fear of dying, just understanding that death will come one day. We truly have no control of the when. Yes, we can choose to be careful, not put ourselves in dangerous situations, wear our seat-belts in the car, etc., but we still cannot prevent death.

With all that said, why aren’t we taught about death earlier? Why isn’t it a “normal” subject? I had to learn most of my “coping” mechanisms on the fly. How is that a healthy way to work through the loss? I don’t think it is & so I choose to write. I write about the good & bad, the easy & the hard, I write about my experiences in hopes of helping others. Writing helps me heal & maybe it can help you to prepare or to heal. I don’t know where you are in your journey, I just know you’re reading this. Thank you & please know that I am sending you strength & love in your journey ahead.

Who is Erika E?

Erika is a 6-year Army vet turned IT geek who drinks copious amounts of coffee & isn’t afraid of struggle. When she’s not working, she loves writing, reading, & NOT arithmetic (but can calculate as needed). Oh, & as you’ll see from her posts, she doesn’t shy away from tough topics.

Got a story you want to share? Email her at erika@mentalgrenade.com

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