I turn the key over and over in my hand as possibilities turn over in my mind. The felt shape of the key seems to match the visual memory of the shackle. The key is in my right hand but slips through my fingers as I try to transfer it to the left.
Such a tiny tinkle of a key hitting the ground sounded like a clock tower in the silence. I stopped to wonder if they were watching me on an IR camera. They were watching me before in the cell, why wouldn’t they now? Perhaps they don’t want record of what transpires in this room?
I come to the realization that I don’t care either way, knowing that I’m already at their mercy. I slide out of the chair onto the ground and begin to search the area around me. Starting close and expanding my search circle, I find myself empty handed. I stretched myself as far as I could with my wrist shackled to the table. I start over but end the same.
I put my left hand onto the table to leverage myself up, pulling my knees under me. There it is, right under my knee cap. A painful revelation that feels more like relief. It was under me the whole time.
I pick it up and stand. Grasping it firmly between my thumb and forefinger, I find the keyway with my middle finger. With some patience and mild difficulty, I manage to insert it and rotate the lock cylinder. Sensing the lock release the latching mechanism, I push up with my right arm and the shackle opens.
I put the key in my mouth while I find the head bandage on the table. I lay it out, wrap the key into the folds and replace the bandage on my head. Left thigh against the table, I circle counterclockwise to the interrogator’s side.
My hands search the table and succeed in finding the plate. I devour the rest of the rolls. There it is. He left the remote beside the bottles. Should I break it? Hide it? Why am I considering using it?
I’m still lost about everything. There are very few consistencies in this world of questions. One pattern emerges from the darkness- every time I’m shocked, I seem to regain some memory. The weight of this makes the rolls feel like rocks in my stomach.
I sit down in his chair and hold the remote. The decision to use it reminds me of some unknown past choice. A wave of shame comes over me and it’s so maddening that I don’t know why! Out of frustration and anger I start smashing the buttons on the remote.
The second one I press makes the screen light up and the third shocks me hard. The electricity must be stimulating my ocular nerves because I’m seeing light. I look around wondering if the light is real and I can see around me- but it’s all in my head.
Leaning back, I rest in the chair and slow my breathing. The past I’m waiting for doesn’t come and I wonder if I need a longer, harder jolt. Am I willing to do that again knowing that I may not get a positive result?
I press the second button again and the screen lights up. Only two numbers appear on the screen, 85 and 20. I press same button again and the second number increases by one. Pressing the first button reduces it back to 20. I surmise the first number to be remote battery life and the second to be the intensity of the shock.
How much can I take? Is the pain to memory ratio worth it? I know that I recovered memories with the multiple shocks the first time I was in here, and with the longer shock combined with the drugged vodka. I’m willing to try once more.
I’m not sure I’ll have the fortitude to shock myself again after this attempt so I resolve to drink a significant amount of the vodka, hoping it to be a catalyst. Bottle in hand, I smell it before I drink because I’m not sure which bottle he poured from or which one I picked up in the darkness. I pick up the other bottle and smell it as well.
The second bottle has no smell and I’m hoping it’s water. A sampling proves this to be so. I sit and wait for several minutes to note any possible effects in case this bottle has been laced with something as well. I try to be patient as I count to sixty, slowly, five times over.
I feel the same but decide to stand up and get my blood moving to be sure. Nothing. I take a few long drinks of the water but am careful to save some. I estimate the previous amount of vodka I consumed and double it. I feel the alcohol moving through my bloodstream rapidly due to my dehydration.
Effects of the substance added to the bottle arrive shortly after. Choices seem much easier now and I have no concern about rapidly pressing the button till the second number reads 40. Double the drink, double the intensity, double the result? I’m hoping for more of an exponential return.
In through the nose, out through the mouth. In the pause between exhale and inhale I smash the button.
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