Erika E

His brothers arrived on Monday & my cousin on Tuesday. I can’t remember if my dad was still talking by that time, but I do remember pulling extra chairs into his room so we could all sit together. My cousin & I retold stories from family gatherings we remembered. My uncles recalled adventures from when they were kids. The room was overflowing with both laughter & tears for three full days. Everyone was given an opportunity to say their goodbyes, however they wanted. Just like that, it was Friday & they all headed home. 

That evening dad was different. He was paler & no longer interacting with us. He was nothing more than a skeleton with skin draped across his bones. His eyes were empty when he looked at us & we knew his time was coming soon.

Around 10am on Saturday, December 1st, 2018, the aide walked into the kitchen & simply said, “It’s time.” Mama didn’t hear him, but I did & I knew exactly what he meant. I gently grabbed mama’s hand & guided her into his makeshift bedroom. She protested, something about her hot cup of coffee that was on the counter, but then it clicked. Her face fell & she silently followed me into his room. Mama pulled up a chair to his right & I perched on the edge of a stool to his left.

We held his hands, stroked the thin hair left on his head, & let him know he could go. I promised him that I would be ok, that my kids would be ok, & that I would take care of mama. Mama promised that she would be just fine & that it was ok for him to go. It seemed like we sat there for hours, but it was no more than 20 minutes. Just like that, he was gone.

My concept of time on that Saturday is skewed, I know who was there after he died & the order they showed up, but not the actual time. The aide gave mama & me plenty of space to process & cry together. Once we walked out of the room, he immediately cleaned up my daddy & changed him into his favorite flannel pajamas.

My ex dropped off my son after he was changed & before anyone else arrive. My son still recalls how much “Papa’s cloudy eyes” scared him. To this day, I still feel horrible for that. I never intended to scare my baby boy. I just thought it would be good for him to say good bye one last time. Shortly after that, the doctor on call showed up to report the time of death for his death certificate. We didn’t have to wait too long before two people from the funeral home showed up & took his body away. Later that afternoon or perhaps that evening, the equipment was picked up. Just like that, the room was empty.

We moved to the living room & curled up on the sofa together. I remember being held, I remember holding on, & I remember the tears, but nothing else. Just like that, there were three of us.

Interested in reading the entire series about her dad? Start with Tuesday Night

Who is Erika E?

Erika is a 6-year Army vet turned IT geek who drinks copious amounts of coffee & isn’t afraid of struggle. When she’s not working, she loves writing, reading, & NOT arithmetic (but can calculate as needed). Oh, & as you’ll see from her posts, she doesn’t shy away from tough topics.

Got a story you want to share? Email her at erika@mentalgrenade.com

These Veteran stories of struggle, adventure, and post traumatic growth need to be heard!
Join the cause to de-stigmatize mental health issues.
Please SUBSCRIBE, share our website with friends / co-workers, and support us by donation or at the STORE.