I’m inside doing dishes while grown men repel from trees with chainsaws and run machines that could turn a human body to pulp and bone splinters. 

I call the doctor and schedule appointments, go grocery shopping, shuttle kids from event to event, but at least I carry a big black shepherd and a Ruger everywhere I go.

I cook dinner, try to keep the kitchen clean (Misty would say otherwise), iron & sew (military instills many skills… Thank GOD I don’t waste time spit shining boots anymore) and do my best to keep my slovenly ways in check. 

But, I also repair furniture, wrench, weld, build random things, repair/maintenance the house, hunt, fish, ride motorcycles but it’s never enough. We’re all judging ourselves by some standard. Some place it well above themselves, always striving to be more. Others place themselves well above the standard believing that they are superior in every way.

I justify myself with what I do rather than who I am. So, in thinking about what to write next I asked myself, “Who am I?” Even then I started to answer the question with things that I do. I started my life as a musician, dedicating a great deal of time to the performing arts. Then I switched jobs and started working with explosives. I spent 8 years doing that. If anyone asked me, I would have told them, “I’m a Marine EOD Tech.”

Yeah, I’ve talked about this before but it’s a life long struggle for all of us. Would I call myself “retired” now? I was medically retired. Would I call myself a writer? I am writing right now… The saying also goes, “You are what you eat.” If that’s the case I’m a cheesy nut. I love cheese and I love nuts.

Are you living now, like you are who you were then?

What we have done in the past can’t hold up to now. It’s so easy to build my identity from being a musician/artist, a Marine, an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician, a trail runner… I can’t run anymore. I don’t play music anymore. I’m no longer an EOD Tech. Once a Marine, always a Marine?

What we do doesn’t define who we are. What we feel doesn’t define who we are. Are these statements true? I can identify as a professional athlete but I’m not. I can feel depressed some days that I’m not always fulfilling traditional gender roles but it’s ok to feel strange or wish things were different. That doesn’t change who you are or who you’re meant to be. It takes time to figure that out.

Don’t be pressured by others to decide now, who you will be in the future. Don’t let roles, feelings, or others define you. There are aspects that you can’t redefine though. You cannot deny genetics- you will always be human. You will always be the gender of your birth genetically and to God.

Are we what we pretend to be? If others buy in to our projections does that make us more of that illusion? Does validation increase psychosis? This isn’t just about gender, although it probably is the quintessential example at the moment. At what point do you begin interjecting reality into a child’s world?

Telling them they can be anything they want to be when they grow up could be unhealthy. Not necessarily at first. The mind develops in stages and comprehension grows exponentially, especially if a child is taught logical reasoning and is grounded in reality. In talking with many vets who have PTSD, I discuss the need to include children in the healing process. It comes down to AGE APPROPRIATE RELEASE OF INFORMATION.

If a “white” kid is told they can be anything they want to be when they grow up… if they want to be the first “black” president, can they be? Obviously, no. We can’t change the past or the color of our skin. Obama beat the white kid to the podium.

There are things that reality puts clearly out of reach. I think big cats are cool. I love staring at them at the zoo. How can something so big and powerful be so graceful and silent? But, I can’t become a cat. No matter how much surgery, and how many lies I tell myself and others, I will NEVER be a jaguar.

Now, I’m just a domesticated warrior. I’m not a licensed counselor or a psychologist but what I do know is that kids can tell when something is wrong and they need an explanation. The problem comes when adults utilize the vulnerable nature of a child to mold and shape them to their set of beliefs rather than teaching them to think critically and independently.

I don’t want you to think like me. I want you to think like you. I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m just writing; it’s like thinking aloud. You can read my thoughts right now. Cool, right? No, some of you are probably perplexed or quite vexed at this point. It’s not my intention to divide. People sort themselves; group identity is part of humanity, you don’t need my help to keep doing what you’re already doing.

Identity is a mix of many things: nature vs nurture, perspective informed by experience and environment, our desires…

Education needs to be teaching HOW to think not WHAT to think. We’re all confused sometimes. Wouldn’t you want someone to help you reason your way through rather than just tell you what to think? Or is it just easier to pick a position and join the group? It’s a quick way to build an identity- just identify with the group you desire to align with. That’s dangerous.

Individuals working in a cooperative will always produce a better product than group think where all the points of view and “knowledge” are based on a narrative to which you pledge allegiance so you can gain acceptance and admission to the club. Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technicians work in teams of well trained individuals because several heads are better than one IF they are thinking independently.

Our two party system SUCKS because you really have to toe the line and play nice to rise to “power.” I wish for EVERY politician to be independent. They should think for themselves and do their best to accurately represent the people they serve. We the People have given them our power and now stand by looking helplessly at the mess we’ve allowed. We rail against the system that we have polluted and then ask how it got this way.

These are the thoughts that constantly swirl in my head as I mow the field, fix the bike, wash the dishes and clothes, sweep the floor, drive errands, they even interrupt my writing. Sometimes I write three times as much as you’ll read. Things get edited out for flow and composition, to stay on topic, and keep my opinion to a minimum and hopefully get you to think.

No, I can’t keep my opinion fully out of it. Today I thought I’d give you a less filtered taste of what happens in my mind. I have the luxury and curse of being somewhat unstructured in my day. To all the homemakers out there- God bless you. It takes a lot to keep a household running. To all the single parents out there- God help and bless you, I know it’s hard but keep going.

I’ll stop now; you probably stopped reading awhile ago. That’s cool. I know you’ve got an opinion on all this- drop a comment below! Thanks. Here, hold this:

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Drew founded Mental Grenade Jan 2020. He is a follower of Jesus Christ, a medically retired Marine, EOD Tech, husband, father, writer, mountain biker, photographer, facilitator, and fly-fisherman. He seeks to bridge the civilian – military divide and bring hope through honest communication about difficult issues.

These Veteran stories of struggle, adventure, and post traumatic growth need to be heard!
Join the cause to de-stigmatize mental health issues.
Please SUBSCRIBE, share our website with friends / co-workers, and support us by donation or at the STORE.