I have times where I feel like the bottom drops out. There are days where a deficiency plagues me. Struggling to find balance, the darkness weighs me down.
A few days ago I ran some errands early and the sky was clear and bright. Intent on completing my tasks I narrowed my focus and checked them off. In the process, I completely forgot to eat.
Once I got home and unloaded the groceries, I realized my mistake but still chose poorly and ate a donut. Later, still hungry I had some left over asparagus as I was preparing dinner. I could feel that things were starting to go wrong and sat down to rest. The clouds were moving in, dense and snow laden.
Thumbing through a library book, I contemplated the proper corrective actions to reengage the day. I set the book aside when the phone rang. A friend of mine called to check-in and we started to catch up.
The conversation went deep and I began to ruminate about serious issues. When we concluded, I forced myself to get up and make dinner. Normally making food is a source of joy, the kitchen is my sanctuary (as long as kids don’t come in and start fighting). As a parent, when you go to the bathroom, that seems to be the time when a child suddenly needs something. When I’m cooking and listening to my favorite song, that’s when someone shows up and wants to talk.
Dinner arrived on time, coinciding with the conclusion of Misty’s class and we sat down at the table to eat. She could easily see that something was wrong as my spirit began to collapse inward. I couldn’t express it then and I still can’t a few days later.
There are times where something is amiss. I know this isn’t about food. There’s an imbalance but I don’t know where it comes from or why. It doesn’t happen often enough, at least not to this degree, to document and possibly identify triggers.
Misty asked me if the earlier phone conversation precipitated the change. I didn’t think demons crawled through the phone, but now I’m not so sure. A different friend reminding me that he’s moving to the other coast added a twinge of sadness.
I certainly don’t blame my friends, I’m responsible for my feelings but I think it’s important to take stock of what occurred surrounding the event. That day I was talking to a third friend about my struggles. He asked if what he had shared with me was getting me down. It wasn’t. It’s important to be able to share a friend’s burden for a time but be able to put it down; it’s not yours to carry.
Serotonin is the key hormone that stabilizes our mood, feelings of well-being, and happiness. This hormone impacts your entire body. It enables brain cells and other nervous system cells to communicate with each other. Serotonin also helps with sleeping, eating, and digestion. However, if the brain has too little serotonin, it may lead to depression.
https://www.hormone.org/
Yesterday was a complete loss. I didn’t want to deal with anyone or do anything. Could this be SAD again? Normally I facilitate an online group Thursday nights but I couldn’t bring myself to fake the funk. Last year I had a conversation with my psychiatrist about long term medication and she said because of the exposure to blast overpressure, it was likely that I would need to have something help regulate me for the rest of my life. I still struggle with that idea.
Do you have a plan?
When things happen, do you have an immediate action plan? If you live with someone who has flash backs, anger issues, black outs, psychotic breaks –
Do you know:
*who you’re going to call to get them help?
*how to get yourself help?
*where you’re going to go if you need to leave?
What if the house catches on fire? What if you suddenly need to leave town? What if the spouse that handles the finances is incapacitated?
Do you have a go bag for you and the kids? Does it have a copy of the emergency binder in it? Do you have an emergency binder? Is that binder updated?
It’s best to have difficult conversations before, rather during an incident when emotions are high, or after the fact having to explain why choices were made. It’s not fun to talk about but if you love the people you live with, isn’t it better to discuss the best course of action?
In the military they generally like to have three courses of action (COA) before making a decision. Even if one of them is far fetched, it’s best to think about things from multiple angles. Plan for the worst, pray for the best.
Digging out
The snow is still lightly falling and my mind still feels like a dark blanket is draped over it. It’s not as bad but something is still off. I’m forcing myself out of the house today. Life must move forward.
Over.
Psalm 62:5 “My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.”
Drew OUT.
Chris Reardon
February 20, 2021 00:21I really enjoyed this blog Drew. I typically jump on the Thursday night zoom calls on a Friday morning, but I didn’t jump on the other day because my mind was swarming with issues concerning work. I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to be present for the call. It had been a really stressful week that culminated in some victories but necessitated a quick turn to finalize an important decision that our staff has been prepping for our CG. By the time I got home I felt relieved and feel relieved today that this particular battle is almost over. On a good note, my family’s health situation, especially mental health, is in a much better place with appropriate therapy. That in of itself has been a long campaign which is not over but at least now I feel we have regained the initiative with an offensive plan to roll back the enemy’s work to ultimate victory. I also got orders back to San Diego concluding my tour in the Middle East which will allow for a stable reintegration. On the ministry front, I feel a renewed sense of regaining the initiative as well.
dennhop
February 19, 2021 13:49Being able to drop someone’s burden is something we as Christians have a hard enough time with, then add the fact that as Marines, we’ve been ingrained with the notion of having to see a problem through to the end…I know that’s something you’ve been instrumental in helping me recognize and begin to overcome.
I’ve noticed over the years that there are times when I’ve just had extremely off days or weeks…I started trying to track them a few years back (although I ended up forgetting where I was tracking them, and have had to start over again several times) in hopes of finding at least a pattern of when they hit; assuming of course there was a pattern. My thought was if there was a pattern that I could recognize, perhaps I could look back and tie it into past events, and be able to recognize what the original trigger was. Sometimes there’s not a trigger. Sometimes it just is a down time.
I want to extend my appreciation to you for what you’ve done with your Thursday night meetings, and offer you the same challenge I apply to myself. The Thursdays I really don’t want to be involved because I just want to crawl in my hole and disappear are the same days I force myself to join because those are the days I know I need to hear what you all have to say. Faking the funk is not what it’s about; I get if you can’t lead it, but just let PJ take over, and be there.
We have to force ourselves out of our comfort zone and be willing to make ourselves uncomfortable to allow healing to work. When you cut yourself, you know the right thing to do is to wash the cut with soap and water, and ensure the dirt is out before you can let it heal itself. This is a painful process, but if we ignore this step, we risk the chance of infection. While the cut may close itself over, the skin will redden, the area may swell and burn, as infection sets in. Sure it may heal, but it ends up being a longer, more painful process in the long run, than if we forced ourselves to allow it to hurt more at first.
TL;DR. Love ya brother, you’ve been a huge help and mentor to me since we’ve met. To say it back to you, feel free to reach out any time you need.
Drew
February 20, 2021 14:30Denhopp,
I appreciate your words and reciprocal challenge. It wasn’t to walk away from Thursday night but my brain had just shut down. You’re right, it most likely would have lifted my spirits to engage with all of you.
JDJ
February 19, 2021 13:28I’ve been there and understand what you mean. Sleep for me is key, and it’s not always where I need it to be. If I don’t sleep well (or at all) , it’s like an army forming up at the gate to my mental castle. The gate remains, but holding it is far harder then it would otherwise be. I find as time goes on (through a day; two… sometimes into three) if holding the gate isn’t my primary focus, the castle is breached and issues abound until it can be rebuilt. If instead I focus fully on holding the gate, the rest of the world around me takes a back seat, which can cause its own sort of problems. It’s a tough go, but the struggle in life allows the joy to shine through. Each day begins anew, and no matter how hard the pervious one was, there is always the chance that tomorrow you will gain ground under a bright sky. Stay strong out there and good luck.
Drew
February 20, 2021 14:35Your analogy is spot on. Balancing the economy of effort between self care and fulfilling your responsibilities is indeed a challenge. We can gain ground under any sky, especially if we are shoulder to shoulder with allies. Going it alone is a trap. Isolation is the enemy of Restoration.
P.J. Hughes
February 19, 2021 13:14WELL DONE Drew… You have the unique ability to articulate things that many cycle thru… You put into words that which escapes many. Your willingness to be honest and transparent about your “Goliath Moments” provide many of us with an example of how to move… move & shoot.. but to move forward.. Take a breath,,, then take a step.
In spite of the SAD moment, you are leading your tribe and those of us that follow you. Well done.
Thank You
PJ Out.
Drew
February 20, 2021 14:38Thanks for being my cornerman P.J. You always have my back and I appreciate your words of wisdom as I continue this fight into the next round. I might have been down but I’m not out.