Erika E

I have no idea what time I woke up the next day, but I do know that my boss emailed me back around 3:30 in the morning. Don’t ask me why he was awake at that hour, I have no idea. Over the years I’ve discovered that I remember the strangest details. Guess that’s just how my brain works. So be it.

It turns out my dad had a raging infection that caused the fever, the delusions, etc. To this day I believe that he thought if he left the house that night, he was never coming home. That’s why he yelled at us. That’s why he fought so hard. He wasn’t angry, he was scared. He wasn’t ready to go.

By Wednesday morning, he asked the doctor to let him die. He was tired & his body was weak. I have no clue how many the times the doctor explained to him that assisted suicide isn’t legal in the state of Virginia. I do know that he finally gave up & started explaining it to my mama. She knew, she understood, but my dad was in his own little world, disconnected from reality & so we waited for him to return.

Now, you need to understand that when my dad got something in his head as right, you couldn’t change his mind. He was determined that he just needed to die because he couldn’t live with the pain anymore. The first time he said those words, mama called me in a panic. I called my boyfriend. He drove in from out of town to take me to the hospital because I was mentally & physically exhausted. He knew I needed to be by my daddy’s side that night. When we got there we were greeted by a “CAUTION Potential Biohazard Present” sign on his door.

We had to wash up, put on paper gowns, masks, gloves, pretty much full hazmat suits because they still weren’t sure what was causing the infection.

We sat around his bed for hours, joking, telling stories, laughing, crying, you name it. I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to spend time with him. The hospital staff was amazing & we were allowed to stay WAY past visiting hours. I think we finally left sometime after 1am.

There were still no answers on Thursday, so we waited. We waited to see what would happen. We waited to see when he could come home, if he could come home. He was in the hospital for seven days as the doctors battled the infection with IV antibiotics. My mama stayed by his side the entire time & I honestly don’t know how much she actually slept or ate that week.

By the end of the seven days, my dad decided to stop all cancer treatments & transition to home hospice. Exactly one week after my dad was admitted to the hospital, I cleared out his home office to fit a hospital bed & other equipment.

My daddy was coming home for the last time & I was determined to be ready.

Who is Erika E?

Erika is a 6-year Army vet turned IT geek who drinks copious amounts of coffee & isn’t afraid of struggle. When she’s not working, she loves writing, reading, & NOT arithmetic (but can calculate as needed). Oh, & as you’ll see from her posts, she doesn’t shy away from tough topics.

Got a story you want to share? Email her at erika@mentalgrenade.com

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