I’m trying to be the best version of myself. It requires a LOT of flexibility. I learn to change with the revelations that are thrust upon me or that I’m lucky enough to have organically. I shouldn’t say lucky:
1. I don’t believe in luck; I would have run out of it a LONG time ago and be dead.
2. It implies that revelations can just happen willy nilly. (Yes, that’s a scientific term)

Sure, you can have a “ah-ha!” moment with what seems like no work or prompting; but that is the exception, not the rule and often due to a gradual understanding that culminates in a moment. Unfortunately, that epiphany may not lead to change. I am where I am in my recovery journey because of God, hard work, solid programs, legit friends/family, and a sincere desire to be well.

There’s so much that came before this. Years of not trying, but thinking I was. Convincing myself that life was always going to be the way it was in that moment… getting used to my “new normal.” I didn’t treat myself well and because of that, I didn’t treat others as well as I should have.

My friend, PJ, is always asking people, “Do you want to get well?” The origin of the question is found in the Bible, the book of John, chapter 5 and verse 16.

Like so many, I spent YEARS wanting something to change. I liked the idea of getting well but I lacked the motivation to follow through. You have to WANT it. It’s not a casual want like, “I want to get in shape this year.”
In case you hadn’t noticed, New Years resolutions like that don’t work. How do you get yourself to really want it and translate that into action?

Identity

You want your circumstances and abilities to change but you’re not willing to change who you are = you’re going nowhere.

They say, “garbage in, garbage out.” I drank from a poisoned well: alcohol, lack of sleep, poor diet, no exercise, and a mindset convinced I would always be that person.

When I joined my first unit in the Marine Corps, my direct supervisor told me, “No Marine over 21 in my fireteam isn’t going to drink.” It was indicative of the alcohol culture I would find prevalent in the Corps, and it would form an identity that would be reinforced over the next 20 years. If I wasn’t working, I was drinking. It was the established behavior of my peers and superiors. The Marines tell you who you are, what to do, and where to be. I was young, impressionable, and fell in line.

Learning to operate on minimal sleep became normalized as well.
From the moment you step on the yellow foot prints at boot camp, they are depriving you of sleep, breaking you down so they can condition you to become who they need you to be. Being young, my body regenerated quickly and I was able to work all day, then exercise, usually exercise again, get five hours of sleep, and then get up and do it all over. Sleep was just an annoyance that got in the way of productivity. Later, sleep would become a dangerous place that I couldn’t control, and my unconscious body lacked safety.

I got lazy with nutrition and I gained a ton of weight when Misty and I had kids. I pretended it was muscle but had gotten fat. I lacked the motivation and discipline to see myself as something other than a passenger along for the ride of my life. I wasn’t driving. My job required more time, the wife and kids took up my non-working hours, and I rationalized not exercising for what I deemed as productivity. (we often tell ourselves that we don’t have the time to do something but in reality it’s about how we prioritize our time. If you want to do something bad enough, you’ll rearrange your life to make it happen.) What is something you spend time on now that’s not helping you be who you want to be?

I had lapsed into a conscious coma; I wasted hours and hours playing video games when I should’ve been reading books and sleeping. Obviously I had time to exercise and sleep because I had time to watch tv or play Xbox. My priorities were wrong and I payed a price for it. I thought it was fun at the time but I wasn’t aware of how much better things could have been.

My identity had been shaped as part of a collective and I was suffering from it, personally. I was weak and didn’t advocate for myself and my health. I was still a kid. Honestly, despite all the responsibility and everything that was happening, it’s only now, this year, that I feel like I’m starting to become an adult. I know some who would disagree, that’s cool. Others would say that sounds terrible, stay young, have fun.

I had to choose to be someone different. I began telling myself that I was a loving father. From that identity, I made choices that reinforced my desire to be a dad who loved his kids and wanted the best for them. One of the best things for them was having a father who could do more activities with them. I had to get stronger and healthier (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually).

I get to choose who I want to be.

I had to surround myself with people who were already what I want to be. I had to make decisions from that identity, to reinforce it in my life. Every action is vote for or against who you want to be. I knew that if I didn’t make some radical changes that I would always struggle and never thrive.

That’s not to say that you don’t struggle when you’re thriving but you spend a lot more time thriving than struggling and when you do struggle, it’s usually to become even better.

Get your stuff straight, manage your life wisely, and don’t take it all too seriously. Being an adult can be fun. Life is a mix of work and play. If all you do is play, it will begin to feel like work. The key is to enjoy your work and allow it to fulfill your purpose. I’m still working it all out, but I keep getting better. I won’t quit because I want to be well.

-Drew Out!

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Drew founded Mental Grenade Jan 2020. He is a follower of Jesus Christ, a medically retired Marine, EOD Tech, husband, father, writer, mountain biker, photographer, facilitator, and fly-fisherman. He seeks to bridge the civilian – military divide and bring hope through honest communication about difficult issues.

These Veteran stories of struggle, adventure, and post traumatic growth need to be heard!
Join the cause to de-stigmatize mental health issues.
Please SUBSCRIBE, share our website with friends / co-workers, and support us by donation or at the STORE.