Drew

A Grateful Nation

Life is short, or long. You just don’t know how things are going to go from one day to the next. Yesterday, a family friend, the wife of a Marine veteran was killed in a head on collision. She left behind two young children. Some of us have spent a significant time in proximity to death, others have managed to avoid contact.

I had the pleasure to serve with some of America’s finest. I’ve also been present when many were interred, as well. My first duty station as an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician was in Maryland, not that far from Arlington National Cemetery. In the three years I was there, Marine Corps EOD lost 14 Techs. Not all were buried at Arlington and our unit was not able to attend every one that was. Still, I think I was there for eight.

Losing my spouse is inconceivable to me. I would like to think I could understand, but I know I can’t. Every time we were present at a funeral, I considered the burden the spouse would bear for the rest of their life. I had all three of my children at that non-deployable unit. We PCS’ed two weeks after the third child was born. Two months after checking into 2nd EOD Co on Camp Lejeune, I deployed as a combat replacement to Afghanistan leaving my wife at home with three children in diapers. If I had been killed, she would’ve started the next chapter of her life, a widow, single mother of three.

Counting the Stars

In World War I Army Capt. Robert L. Queisser had two sons serving on the front line. The banner he created and patented, quickly became the unofficial symbol for parents with a child in active military service. By WW II they were quite popular and hung in the window of many homes with someone serving in the Armed Forces. A red border and white center makes up the banner / flag and a blue star represents a person serving. In the case of Capt. Queisser, his flag had two stars stacked vertically.

In 1918, President Wilson sanctioned a suggestion made by the Women’s Committee of the Council of National Defenses, that mothers who had lost a child serving in the war could wear a traditional black mourning armband with a gold gilt star. This led to the tradition of a gold star covering the blue star on the banner to show that the service member had passed.

Days of Remembrance

“The United States began observing Gold Star Mother’s Day on the last Sunday of September, in 1936. The Gold Star Wives was formed before the end of World War II. The Gold Star Lapel Button was established in August 1947.
Today, the nation recognizes the sacrifice that all Gold Star Family members make when a father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, or other loved one dies in service to the nation. Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day is the last Sunday of September and Gold Star Spouses Day is April 5.”
–https://www.army.mil/goldstar/

The love of a mother is one thing, the love of a spouse is another. I will never be a mother but I can imagine an incredible bond with a human that was a part of you for nine months and then you nurtured for another 18 years.

I AM a spouse. Knowing that my soul is interwoven with my mate and that losing her would be catastrophic, I can imagine the loss in the abstract. But, the ramifications go SO much deeper. A spouse left alone must raise the children. These little ones they love are a constant reminder of the father or mother now absent from all their lives.

Close to Home

In my past writings I’ve discussed the loss of my friend, David Spicer. He and his wife, Kate, welcomed Misty and me to the EOD community. Dave left MD and went to 2nd EOD Co long before I did. He and Kate struggled to have children and when they finally did it was still difficult because of the extended time their twins, Abby and David, spent in the NICU. Less than a year after little David died, Kate was pregnant with Chance. 

It was a difficult pregnancy. She could have easily asked Dave to stay back from that deployment and he could have. The morning of Dave’s departure, Kate was having more pregnancy issues. Dave told her, he had a bad feeling about leaving, but despite the issues, the danger, the bad feelings, he still wanted to go and serve; so, she let him. Dave was killed 13 July, 2009, 3 days after Abby’s first birthday. Kate was five months pregnant with Chance.

Good, Bad, Ugly

After a time, how does the sense of community hold up? Many military connections go dark when service members rotate to a new duty station and become engrossed in the arduous process of moving and starting over at a new command. I guess like all things in life, there is a high and low end of the spectrum. There are those Gold Star spouses that find themselves in AMAZING communities and greatly supported. Then there are those who are preyed upon in their most desperate hour.

I’ve known some Gold Star spouses who are loved and included decades after the passing of their warrior. I’ve also known some that were sexually harassed, or their family taken advantage of. Death is quite polarizing. For some it brings out the best, for others, the worst.

I’m sorry?

There’s only so much sympathy a person can take. Being sorry for someone’s loss doesn’t really do jack. Ask a Gold Star spouse what the appropriate way to honor their loved one would be. It will vary person to person, making it imperative to ask. After all, people want you to care enough to inquire and then actually listen. If you don’t care, don’t ask or toss out empty platitudes.

There are no words of condolence or thanks that I could use to adequately express the feelings I have toward those that have made the ultimate sacrifice for this country and the life-long sacrifice their loved ones now make. Today is Gold Star Spouses Day. I love and appreciate each one of you.

-Drew out.

Drew founded Mental Grenade Jan 2020. He is a follower of Jesus Christ, a medically retired Marine, EOD Tech, husband, father, writer, mountain biker, photographer, facilitator, and fly-fisherman. He seeks to bridge the civilian – military divide and bring hope through honest communication about difficult issues.

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