Windows down, the V8 pulling me along, a cool breeze brushes my face, blowing past my ear like the top of a bottle. It’s a song that I’ve waited months to hear, the end of oppressive heat and the start of fall. Despite everything crammed into today’s tiny block on the calendar, this simple movement of air grounds me.
My mind skips across topics faster than a teenager can scroll Instagram. I’m trying to stay in the moment, replaying good memories recorded at this time of year. It’s a delicate balance; I can easily miss a turn or get lost, not just in thought but en route to my destination. You don’t want to be late or miss a VA medical appointment. They start to annotate things in your record which makes it harder for you to get timely care.
Home now, the windows open, that same breeze creates a new melody with the wind chimes, only to have it shattered by the obnoxious beeping of a commercial truck in reverse. Appointment complete, errands run, emails sent, and now, a minute window in which I can again peck at the keyboard like a flock of starlings hammering at a sunflower which could no longer stand.
I stumbled across this list and thought I would share it. These are not my words but they ring true and are worth the time to gain perspective. Pass them on.
10 THINGS YOUR COMBAT VET WANTS YOU TO KNOW (But cant tell you themselves)
1. He/she is addicted to war, although he loves you. War is horrible, but there is nothing like a life-and-death fight to make you feel truly alive. The adrenaline rush is tremendous, and can never be replaced. Succeeding in combat defines a warrior, places him in a brotherhood where he is always welcome and understood. The civilian world has its adrenaline junkies as well; just ask any retired firefighter, police officer, or emergency room staff if they miss it.
2. Living for you is harder. It would be easy for him to die for you because he loves you. Living for you, which is what you actually want, is harder for him. It is even harder for him if you are smart and do not need him to rescue you, since rescuing is something he does really well. If you are very competent at many things, he may at times question if you need him at all. He may not see that you stay with him as a conscious choice.
3. “The training kicks in” means something very different to him. It is direct battle doctrine that when ambushed by a superior force, the correct response is “Apply maximum firepower and break contact.” (Or “To close with and Destroy the enemy) A warrior has to be able to respond to threat with minimal time pondering choices. While this is life-saving in combat, it is not helpful in the much slower-paced civilian world. A better rule in the civilian world would be to give a reaction proportionate to the provocation. Small provocation, small response (but this could get you killed on the battlefield). When the training becomes second nature, a warrior might take any adrenaline rush as a cue to “apply maximum firepower.” This can become particularly unfortunate if someone starts to cry. Tears are unbearable to him; they create explosive emotions in him that can be difficult for him to control. Unfortunately, that can lead to a warrior responding to strong waves of guilt by applying more “maximum firepower” on friends, family, or unfortunate strangers.
4. He/she is afraid to get attached to anyone because he has learned that the people you love get killed, and he cannot face that pain again. He may make an exception for his children (because they cannot divorce him), but that will be instinctual and he will probably not be able to explain his actions.
5. He knows the military exists for a reason. The sad fact is that a military exists ultimately to kill people and break things. This was true of our beloved “Greatest Generation” warriors of WWII, and it remains true to this day. Technically, your warrior may well be a killer, as are his friends. He may have a hard time seeing that this does not make him a murderer. Although they may look similar at first glance, he is a sheepdog protecting the herd, not a wolf trying to destroy it. The emotional side of killing in combat is complex. He may not know how to feel about what he’s seen or done, and he may not expect his feelings to change over time. Warriors can experiences moments of profound guilt, shame, and self-hatred. He may have experienced a momentary elation at “scoring one for the good guys,” then been horrified that he celebrated killing a human being. He may view himself as a monster for having those emotions, or for having gotten used to killing because it happened often. I can personally recommend ‘On Killing’ by Dave Grossman.
6. He’s had to cultivate explosive anger in order to survive in combat.
7. He may have been only nineteen when he first had to make a life and death decision for someone else. What kind of skills does a nineteen-year-old have to deal with that kind of responsibility? One of my veterans put it this way: “You want to know what frightening is? It’s a nineteen-year-old boy who’s had a sip of that power over life and death that war gives you. It’s a boy who, despite all the things he’s been taught, knows that he likes it. It’s a nineteen-year-old who’s just lost a friend, and is angry and scared, and determined that some *%#& is gonna pay. To this day, the thought of that boy can wake me from a sound sleep and leave me staring at the ceiling.”
8. He may believe that he’s the only one who feels this way; eventually he may realize that at least other combat vets understand. On some level, he doesn’t want you to understand, because that would mean you had shared his most horrible experience, and he wants someone to remain innocent.
9. He doesn’t understand that you have a mama bear inside of you, that probably any of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine your reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child?
10. When you don’t understand, he needs you to give him the benefit of the doubt. He needs you also to realize that his issues really aren’t about you, although you may step in them sometimes. Truly, the last thing he wants is for you to become a casualty of his war.
I don’t think we become addicted to war. I think the addiction is to existential purpose. When decisions have life/death consequences we feel like we matter. Later, in our civilian lives, we struggle to care because no decision really seems to carry weight or significant consequences. If you’ve gone through what we have, you feel like you can survive almost anything and so what does suffering matter? Sure, I’ll make my life harder today just because I’m bored…
The day has turned to night. The crickets and peepers sing me a lullaby. My mind drifts away to distant lands where simplicity was king. Though we could die the next day, that night we slept soundly in the dirt.
-Drew out.
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