In the process of being medically retired from the Marine Corps, I was losing my mind. I had been separated from my unit and transferred to Wounded Warrior Battalion.

There was no mission other than to deal with my injuries and wait out the medical board process which had extended my contract by almost a year. Humans need a well-established sense of identity and purpose to feel fulfilled and both of those had crumbled in my life.

I had spent so much time away from my family deployed and training but I still felt as though I needed to get away. My wife asked me to write about it, explain it. Why, after being gone so much and missing the formative years of my children’s lives, did I now want to leave again?

How does more time away fix the issues, build the bonds, or make sense as a reasonable COA? I was still bitter about all the things that lead to this point and needed to make sense of it. This was about reconnecting to the people that helped establish my identity as an adult, who stood alongside me as we executed a greater purpose than serving ourselves. This trip was about gaining perspective, soul searching, and finding the solitude to do it- a Quest for Sanity.

I attended the EOD memorial with my wife in 2010 just after returning from Afghanistan to see my friend’s name put up on the wall. He was killed during route clearance operations by a command wire IED. It was a time of mourning.

When you first return home from a combat deployment- it seems like a dream. You’re waiting to wake up and go back out on patrol. Everyday life is like a haze and you feel numb. Like many others, I sought out something to recapture some of the adrenaline I was now lacking. At the age of 29 I bought my first motorcycle.

 I purchased a 2006 HD Sportster from another EOD Tech who lived on my street. It was his wife’s and languished, unused. He mocks me to this day for riding it but I couldn’t care less. That bike and I have been on some great trips together.

Circumstances can require the compartmentalization of certain aspects of your humanity: emotions, personality, memories… It’s much easier to function in that partial state of denial. When I came home- those compartments were still locked. I looked at my children and felt nothing, they didn’t even seem like they were mine. Like so many warriors with the classic Post 9-11 combo of TBI and PTS, I was prone to Extreme outbursts of anger over virtually nothing/anything. Relationships fractured; I was still unsure how to repair them.

After an injury in 2011, a yearlong deployment at sea (2011-2012), and some surgeries I was house-bound. I served no critical function. As I convalesced from my third surgery, early in 2013, I desired to reconnect with my brothers in arms, reset my mind, and try to find purpose. So, I hatched a plan to attend the EOD memorial by motorcycle.

 At this point in my life, riding was the only meditative practice I had. The pulsating sound of a v-twin drowns out the worries of life as scenes rush by. The hard mechanisms are juxtaposed to the warmth of unity felt with the surroundings. The air is alive and stimulating; temperature and smells envelop you. Reach out and touch it all, no strings attached. In a car (called a “cage” by the motorcycling world) everything is controlled, surreal. You drown out the environment with air fresheners, music, heating or air conditioning.

I spent hours poring over Google maps with topography turned on, seeking the optimal route for motorcycle travel. The Marine Corps requires an address, POC, travel route, and vehicle inspection when submitting a leave request. When I dropped a twenty-page packet on my company Gunny’s desk he gave me a crazy look. Yup, turn by turn directions for THOUSANDS of miles of back roads riding, multiple addresses, and POCs along the way.

Knowing he wasn’t a rider, I asked him if he wanted to perform my vehicle inspection. He declined but I reminded him it was part of the Marine Corps Order. I knew the sarcastic exchange was telling of my mental state. Looking at the thick file, he said, “You really DO need to go on leave.”

“Shake off any dust that may accumulate from stagnation of purpose.”

Chris Coffland

The relationship between my family and I was not stable. I knew I needed some time away to sort out my thoughts, contemplate existential matters and pursue purpose. Most of all- find somewhere quiet. It was time to ride.